TOW #18 “Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life” from the Onion

Humans have caused climate change, oil spills, excessive litter, air pollution, mass extinctions, and many major other problems around the world. This crisis has been created to satisfy the needs of humans. Without thought, people continue to add to these problems with everything they do. The Onion uses personification with scientific fact to create perspective for people about the current environmental crisis in the article “Distant Planet Terrified It Might Be Able To Someday Support Human Life.” 

            This satirical piece expresses the issues earth faces through the voice of a distant planet in the Gamma Velorum star system. Although currently there are no known planets that can support human life, if any were to experience an atmospheric change living elsewhere may be possible someday. The Onion “quotes” WR 67c, a planet; “‘The real doomsday scenario would be someday acquiring a breathable atmosphere… At that point, I might as well just hurl myself at the nearest black hole’” (Paragraph 4). Throughout the article WR 67c expresses its concerns for changing to a climate that would support human life for fear of what people would do. Using earth as a model, the planet fears the disasters that people have caused on earth, “‘Boy, I can only imagine what that awful species would do to me if they found out I have an abundance of rich mineral deposits deep within me,’” (Paragraph 7). The Onion conveys the problems earth suffers, because of people, through the personification of this planet.

With a combination of true scientific fact and a planet’s “opinion” the Onion presents the crisis to readers through another perspective. Unlike common articles, this one does not present the issue as one of a problem for people, but as one for the planet. By writing from a “third party” the Onion allows people to acknowledge the issues with a new understanding.